To Call Myself Beloved
Longing for Belonging
Much of my life journey has been about searching for safety and belonging. When I studied funeral celebrancy, I began my self-eulogy with this quote by Raymond Carver:
“And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.”
Belonging has been a lifelong pursuit, but whatever safety I’d managed to find collapsed a year and a half ago. The rupture was seismic, and the ground hasn’t stopped shifting beneath me since.
The Deafening Silence of the Wedding Industry
I was heartbroken to see a photo of a queer couple I married on Instagram last week in a post that read:
We believe every couple deserves a wedding that feels like home. No matter how you identify or who you love, you are welcome here—fully, joyfully, and without exception. We’re honored to celebrate all kinds of love, this month and every month. 💛💚💙💜❤️
#PrideMonth #LoveIsLove #InclusiveWeddings #SantaCruzWeddings
There were many such pride-month posts that day extending safety and inclusivity to LGBTQIA+ couples. Earlier last week many wedding vendor posts extended safety and belonging to the immigrants of this country. All good things, in theory.*
But the photo was taken out of context. The couple is Jewish, and their wedding ceremony had many Jewish elements woven throughout. However, in a year and a half, as antisemitism has become epidemic, as wedding vendors have profited off Jewish couples and Jewish weddings, as a young, about-to-be-engaged Jewish couple were murdered in cold blood simply for being Jewish—not a word, not a post, not a hashtag. The wedding industry has been silent.
The post didn’t reference their Judaism. It flattened their identity, reduced the fullness of who they are, and highlighted only the parts that aligned with a public narrative of inclusion, while saying nothing about the violence they are facing as Jews.
That’s not belonging. That’s conditional acceptance dressed up as inclusion.
🏳️🌈✡️ Wanna know where inclusivity really falls short? At Pride!
Jewish queers are being told to hide who they are or stay home. From banned flags to dating app ultimatums to public marches declaring “Zionists not welcome,” the message is loud: inclusion has limits, and Jews are the exception.
Read: “Pride or Prejudice?” - an article exposing antisemitism in queer spaces, and why true justice must make room for Jewish identity too. ➡️
Blessings for the Next Generation
For years now, when I know a couple is planning on having children, I have extended blessings forward to catch those little ones once they’re earth side.
I may say something like:
“May they inspire us to be the best versions of ourselves, and to be mindful of our impact on the generations yet to come.”
or
“May we each do our part to create a safer, more tolerant, more sustainable, more loving and more equitable world so that they can inherit a future brimming with beauty.”
I was recently in touch with a woman I married seven years ago. I asked how she was and here is what she said:
“It’s been such an alienating, painful time. We have two little kids now, the older one in Hebrew school. There was a recent hate incident at the school where he goes - not when he was in attendance, but obviously it is scary to the core. We're in Portland, Oregon, and it has honestly been so painful to see literally every other marginalized group celebrated and spoken to with respect...but Jews. I generally feel hopeless and have focused on being with Jewish friends.”
I read her words and felt gutted. I speak hope into the future for so many, but for my own people, that hope feels out of reach - for her, for me, and for Jews around the globe.
🇫🇷 ✡️ That sense of hopelessness is not ours alone. In 2024, the Grand Rabbi of Paris said, “There is no future for Jews in France.” He urged Jews to leave. You can read about it in the Jerusalem Post. 👉
🇨🇦 ✡️ And in May 2025, Canadian senator Leo Housakos declared: “Jews are no longer safe in our country. It’s not that they feel unsafe; they are unsafe.”
Salt in the Wounds: Vague Universalism and Litmus Tests
The DC murder of Sarah and Yaron - the young, Jewish couple - hit my officiant-heart hard. After all, I spend my days working closely with young, engaged couples. The firebombing of a group of Jews in Boulder did, too. I lived in Boulder for close to a decade. These incidents felt personal. They tore the scab off whatever healing I’d managed after the initial shock of October 7th, exposing a whole new layer of trauma and terror.
The conversations I’ve had with several non-Jewish friends have poured salt in those wounds. Some have responded with vague universalism, saying things like “everyone suffers,” or “all people deserve safety,” when I speak specifically about antisemitism. Others have offered litmus tests, measuring my pain against my political stance, as if empathy must be earned.
That second wave of deflection and conditional care has been its own kind of violence. So I’d like to name a few patterns that get in the way of real solidarity: the instinct to generalize Jewish suffering into abstract statements, and the urge to “balance” Jewish pain with someone else’s.
These habits may seem benign, but they cut deep. When Jews name our fear or grief, and the response is “all lives matter”-adjacent, it lands as erasure. We don’t respond to anti-Asian violence or anti-trans hate with abstractions, we name it. Jewish pain deserves the same clarity, the same solidarity, without conditions or disclaimers.
Another obstacle to real support is litmus testing. Recently, when speaking with a friend about antisemitism, it felt like I was being evaluated… my views on a war thousands of miles away** suddenly on trial, as if they determined whether I, or Jews as a whole, deserve care, advocacy and safety.
That conversation wasn’t unusual. That’s what makes this moment so unbearable - not just the rising hate, but the terms and conditions placed on whether we’re allowed to be comforted and protected at all. Jews are expected to contort, explain, and pass political purity tests just to have our pain acknowledged and our safety considered. No other marginalized group is asked to shape-shift like this.
That isn’t safety, and it certainly isn’t belonging. It’s conditional acceptance masquerading as care. And it leaves us more isolated than ever.
✡️✊ Want to learn what real solidarity looks like? Read my framework on antisemitism, internalized antisemitism, and allyship. ➡️
An Urgent Problem
While many Jews see the New York Times as complicit in the spread of antisemitism, the NYT published a piece this weekend called Antisemitism Is an Urgent Problem. Too Many People Are Making Excuses. with the following graph. This is based on 2023 stats, and the numbers are much, much higher now. Antisemitism in America isn’t just trending upward, it’s reached record-breaking levels, both in hate crime reports and community perception. This data confirms not only a spike in violence, but a profound sense of fear and alienation among Jews nationwide.
This Is That Moment
I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again… The Holocaust didn’t happen overnight; it was preceded by years of scapegoating, casual and organized violence, and societal indifference. It was made possible by radicalized youth, complicit institutions, and silent bystanders.
For everyone who ever said they didn’t understand how good, ordinary people could have stood by as Jews were dehumanized and murdered, or who swore that had they lived then, they would have acted differently - just know: this is that moment.
That question is no longer theoretical. It’s yours to ask, and it’s yours to answer.
The Heart of the Matter
At the heart of all this rage, grief, and disillusionment is still longing:
To feel safe.
To feel myself beloved on the earth.
*To be abundantly clear, this post is not about whether or not the LGBTQIA+ community or the immigrants of this country deserve safety and inclusion. They absolutely do. This is simply about spotlighting how and where Jews are left out.
**For my views on a war raging thousands of miles away, and the virtue signaling and moral superiority surrounding it ➡️
If my words inspire no reflection or action, at the very least they are part of the public record now. I am one voice among many—sounding the alarm about the rising tide of lethal antisemitism, and the very real threats Jewish people are facing today.
